I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
