ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
