So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
