I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
