Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There's always time for handjobs
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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