Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
