I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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