When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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