I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
BRING THE BAGELS
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
