Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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