I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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