somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
