do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
