You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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