Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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