I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
