I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
