you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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