Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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