What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
