I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
