i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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