i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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