I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
