just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
