My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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