dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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