Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
