My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
