come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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