He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
