how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she peed on how many people?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
