dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
