Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
