pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Alive.
So much puke
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
