Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
