Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
