The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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