There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
