We got so high we made milksteak
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
