Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So gin and wine won't be happening again
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
