Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
