literally had 100 drinks last night.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
