dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
