i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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