people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You're earring is so big in my mouth
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
