he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
