Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
