my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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