I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
